Meet Simon and Caroline aka Flaily and Mr. Snorey Pants aka The Feeder and The Tall One aka Wallbanger and Pink Nightie Girl. Simon and Caroline are next door neighbors. Unfortunately for Caroline her bed happens to be up against the same wall as Simon’s headboard. Every night around 1-3am, for several nights in a row, Simon’s headboard bumps against Caroline’s wall keeping her from sleep.
To make matters worse Caroline can also hear everything that goes on. Simon has a harem. 3 different nights, 3 different women with each woman having a name given to them by Caroline. There is Spanx who likes to be spanked, Purina who meows like a cat while in the heat of the moment and The Giggler who cannot stop giggling at important times during sex. Caroline has become quite familiar with Simon’s harem but has never been able to get a glimpse of him through her peephole. She is told by a couple in the same building that Simon is delicious, divine and smokin’ hot. He is a travel photographer so he is out of town for weeks at a time thus giving Caroline some time off in between the banging.
Back to Caroline. Normally the wallbanging would be funny to her but she has lost her O. Ever since Cory Weinstein happened Caroline’s O has been missing.
This was the worst kind of sex. This was machine-gun style: fast, fast, fat. This was 30 seconds on the tits, 60 seconds on something that was about an inch above where he should have been and then in. And out. And in. And out. And in. And out.
But at least it was over quick, right? Hell, no. This horrible went on for months. Well, no.
But for almost 30 minutes. Of in. And out. And in. And out. My poor hoohah felt like it had been sandblasted.
By the time it was over, and he yelled, “So good!” before collapsing on top of me, I had mentally rearranged all my spices and was starting on cleaning supplies under the sink.
To say she is frustrated is an understatement. So when late one night the wallbanging starts in again she has had it. Not caring what she was wearing, which happened to be a pink nightie, she marches over and bangs on Simon’s door. She confronts him about his banging habits and then returns home thinking she was done with Simon.
Fast forward a time to a part given by her boss who happens to be a friend. Her boss and husband have built a new house and are having a housewarming party. Caroline attends with her two friends, Mimi and Sophia who instantly latch on to two very fine men. While the five of them are talking another man walks up and Caroline quickly realizes that man is the wallbanger. Simon and Caroline fight and kiss. Yes, kiss out of nowhere. They agree to a tentative truce and friendship for the sake of their other friends that are starting to hook up.
With connection of their friends and being next door neighbors Simon and Caroline hang out together, a lot. Caroline insists that she will never join his harem and Simon travels too much to seriously get involved with anyone. That doesn’t stop the intraction from running rampant between them. The two do everything together except anything that could be sexual. They even sleep in the same bed together “nooking” as they call it.
Most of the book is set up with Simon and Caroline dancing around each other. They build a relationship as friends with serious sexual tension. When Caroline comes on to Simon he stops her not wanting to ruin what they have. Caroline is the first woman he has ever wanted more with and he is not sure how to go about making it happen. The first thing he does is dismiss his harem. The harem sounds bad but each woman was ok with the set up. He wasn’t cheating or man-whoring, well man-whoring too bad, that is. Second, he invites Caroline to go to Spain with him. He is going for work but wants her to come with him.
In Spain they agree to take things slow and let the tension build. I have to say that by that time I was ready for the deed. We had waited a long time for them to hook up and I was becoming just as frustrated as Caroline. They were very sweet to read as they connected in ways just as important as sexual connection, but darn it! I wanted my pay off! When it finally came Ms. Clayton did not short us. There was some serious page time devoted to them finally hooking up. It was much needed.
Wallbanger is an incredibly funny and sweet book. This was my first book by Ms. Clayton and it will not be my last. I love the title Wallbanger. It is very apt and caught my attention. Caroline and Simon are funny, sweet, sexy and lovable. I would love to have a second book with them. I want to know what happens from here for them. Of course, I cannot forget to mention Clive, Caroline’s insane cat. Clive plays just as big a role in the book as Caroline and Simon. And we even get to hear his point of view at the end. Final grade- B+
No wonder I had sworn off dating. This shit was tough. So was I glad to have something to think about other than the pressure cooker of sex indeterminate? Yes. Could I spend a little more time trying to come up with a more clever name for Simon’s penis? Probably. It deserved it.
Mammoth Male Member? No.
Pulsating Pillar of Passion? No.
Back Door Bandit? Hell no.
Wang? Sounded like the noise those doorstoppers things made when you flicked ’em…
I said it out loud to myself a few times, cracking myself up a little. “Wang. Wang. Waaaaaang,” I muttered.